Simon the poet

Who's to blame?

2011-11-30T17:42:00.003Z

Unite general secretary, Len McCluskey said: "Working people are being asked to pay for the economic mess caused by the greedy City elite whose behaviour this spineless Government has repeatedly failed to tackle."

Chancellor George Osborne said: "We have got to have an affordable public sector, which is why we have had to take very difficult decisions on things like pay."

"In the end Britain has to live within its means. The alternative of bankruptcy would mean we couldn't afford the NHS, we couldn't afford schools, we couldn't afford public sector pensions, we couldn't afford a basic state pension."

Labour leader Ed Miliband said he had "huge sympathy" with everyone who was facing disruption because of the industrial action but refused to attack the strikers - mainly because he said the people who stand to lose most are the low-paid public sector workers.

So, how did we get into this situation? Is it unique? Is it just a British situation?

No, it's certainly not just British - the Greeks face a far worse situation through years of economic mismanagement (known as "ignore the problems"). The US isn't exactly in a great situation either - and let's not look too closely at the rest of Europe.

Has it happened before? Yes - the 1920s and 1930s, the early 1970s, to name just a couple of times. Perhaps it's a feature of the whole economic situation.

Len McCluskey is right - but he is aiming only at the Tories. Spineless attitudes towards the City were a feature of the previous government, too. Gordon Brown actively encouraged the greed as Chancellor and did nothing to stop it as Prime Minister. Maybe he didn't encourage it as openly as Margaret Thatcher long before him, but he did nothing to stop the City and apparently failed to spot the crash in 2008. To say it was only the Tories who failed to curb the City is just plain wrong - but to say otherwise doesn't suit the unions.

And then there are those who blame "the Government". Politicians get on TV to spout policy - but where does the real power lie? A lot is in the hands of the most senior civil servants, who steer the clueless Ministers away from taking unwanted decisions. If you doubt that, watch "Yes, Minister". The story goes that Thatcher liked the programme because she realised how accurate it was.

Now, lest you should think I'm a Tory - I'm not; I hate the public schoolboy politicians' attitudes as much as anyone. Monty Python lampooned their predecessors as Upper Class Twits; not far off the truth - except now it's not the landed gentry, it's those with pots of money. I just recognise that the current coalition is probably the least worst option that came out of the election. I recognise that rampant capitalism and sheer incompetent risk management caused the crisis. It was Greed, pure and simple, taking huge risks that were not noticed by Stupidity. No-one in "government" - national or international - over the last 10 years is innocent. Change must happen, but the voices to be listened to are not the unions - or the politicians - but those who recognise where the financial system is flawed. Yes, we should beat the city slickers over the head until they stop being so greedy; yes, we should demand fundamental changes to financial management; yes, a dose of reality in public finance is needed - and that may indeed mean a worse deal on public pay and pensions than we are used to; yes, tough times are here. But we have to find a way forward - and the loudest voices at the moment are the ones we need to curb. The "Occupy" movement had the right instinct, but the wrong tactics. The unions reacted the way they have been trained to, not the way most likely to help. So, what next?

Answers urgently needed.

Occupy the streets - or change the world?

2011-11-18T12:37:00.002Z

Much has been written about the Occupy movement - but is the tide turning? There's evidence that cracks are appearing, but there's a long winter ahead.

In US cities, police have moved in to shift the protesters; assorted legal moves have wavered around the occupiers at St Paul's; media articles of all flavours have been published. But what else?

In the UK, many public sector workers (including civil servants) have woken up to the fact that their old social contract has changed. It used to be said that anyone going into public service was faced with this - lower salaries than the private sector, but "jobs for life", annual reviews and (small) increments, and pensions that made up for what they lacked in other ways. The same was true in other countries. What has changed? Jobs for life no longer exist - large numbers of public sector workers have been made redundant or outsourced into the private sector (or both); and now the pensions are hitting reality - the reality that on one hand, there simply isn't the money in the public purse to pay for everyone at the levels previously offered, and on the other hand, private sector pensions have gone down in value, making the old public sector pensions look increasingly out of sync. So, there'll be protests and walkouts, but what will change? Some politicians will make noises; most senior civil servants will keep quiet; and the deal for public sector workers will get worse regardless.

And the bankers and traders? Vikram Pandit, the CEO of Citicorp, has offered to meet the protestors, acknowledging a lack of trust in Wall Street. Warren Buffett has said he should pay higher taxes (and has for some time been leading by example that the richest people in society should give up a large part of their wealth to help less fortunate members of society).

But there are still large numbers of city folk who just don't get it and show it by shouting the odds against the protests (and not changing their ways). Here's what John Cassidy, a writer in Fortune magazine, said this week: "For an economic elite whose perquisites ultimately depend on the acquiescence of everybody else, it is a silly and dangerous pose to strike. If only for its own sake, the 1% needs to show a bit of nous." ((c) Fortune acknowledged)

Save the World/Occupy the City

2011-11-01T09:23:00.002Z

From time to time, people get so fed up with something they have a public protest. Those protests are a chance to let off steam and get the attention of the media. Once in a blue moon the protests actually achieve some sort of change.

What's the latest craze? Occupy the City. How does it work? A bunch of people stand around in or near a financial district and complain that bankers have been bankers. What has happened so far? Some streets have been blocked; some media attention has been grabbed. And now the London variant - some senior church officials have resigned. Why? Because the City of London financial institutions kicked the protesters off their land and those protesters were given temporary sanctuary beside St Paul's Cathedral. Now St Paul's officials have decided that wasn't a great idea - some want to show support against city greed, while others just want the tents to go away.

But what of the protest itself? No bankers have stopped being bankers; no traders have stopped trading. No matter how justified the protest, is the target the church or the City? Do protesters actually have to camp out? What will it take to make a change in society?

High Speed Rail or not?

2011-11-01T09:01:00.002Z

One of the big arguments in our area just now is whether Britain should build a new high speed rail link (HS2) and whether it should go through the Chilterns. People who live there say no - as they fear disruption, noise and the sight of a railway line through beautiful countryside. But there's another side to it.

My local mainline station is Watford Junction, on the current line to the west midlands and the northwest - often called the West Coast Main Line (WCML). Over the years, our access to the fastest long distance services has diminished. A couple of years ago, Virgin wanted to put in more fast services and they introduced the VHF (Virgin High Frequency) timetable which added those services. The cost? They took away our access to the Manchester, Liverpool and Glasgow services and left us with just one Virgin service - an hourly train to Birmingham and Wolverhampton. Why? Because you can't run more fast trains if some stop on the fast line. Now to get to any of the other long distance services we have three options - a slow train to either Euston (in the wrong direction) or Milton Keynes (where they built a bypass line for non-stop trains to overtake those calling there), or a once an hour London Midland (LM) fast service to Milton Keynes. Guess which one most folk use? Yes, the LM fast.

Now what's happening? LM have just said that they want to speed up that once an hour service so that they can squeeze in a second fast service to provide more capacity. How will they do that? Well, part of the answer is that they're going to test run the trains at a higher speed. The other part? Yes, you guessed it - they're planning to take out the Watford stop for exactly the same reason Virgin did. Wonderful.

So the price of more capacity on an already overcrowded line is less service to and from intermediate stations. Journeys will take longer and local trains will be even more crowded.

Now if they were to build HS2, what would happen? Most of, if not all, the fast long distance services would transfer across and the WCML could expand service to the intermediate stations. Guess which station those protesters in the Chilterns use (and would continue to use even after HS2 is built)? You got it - those intermediate stations such as Watford or Hemel Hempstead.

F1 free to air or not

2011-08-23T13:23:00.002+01:00

There's been quite a lot of hot air about this. I wrote to my MP, who in turn sent it to the relevant Minister. Here's the gist of his reply:

"Furthermore, in the current economic climate we believe that sport’s governing bodies, which are autonomous of Government, should be able to maximise revenues where they can for their sport. It is important to note that because of the commercial prominence and limited outreach of motor sport at the grassroots level that the Government does not provide the same level of public funding as it does with other professional sports. It is therefore important for the sport to receive this investment through its commercial partnerships. "

He then goes on to say:

"While some F1 fans will be disappointed to see fewer races on terrestrial TV, we are confident that the sport will still continue to receive good coverage."

the dixie dream

2011-08-23T04:30:00.003+01:00

It's not often I write about my dreams...in fact it's not often I remember a dream - until the next time it runs.

This one was so different, here I go. I'm calling it the dixie dream - a combination of Disney and Pixar - because it's the only way my conscious mind can make sense of what my dream mind came up with. Imagine dreaming something so real that it feels right even as you watch incredible things happening. Imagine the people around you finding they are incredible and that those impossible things can actually happen. Imagine finding inanimate objects becoming like cartoon characters with their own voices and being able to work together to change their environment for the better. And then imagine that dream world suddenly turning to you and saying, scoldingly, "typical, the doctor doesn't use his own medicine on himself - and leaves the job half-done". And imagine that dream continuing even as you start to wake.

That's why, today, before dawn, I woke realising I have a couple of shining examples close to me.

The first is Tiu, who, having created the Eye Shine workshops and brought magic to those around her, is now discovering what a sabbatical should really be like - a time of self-regeneration. Go, Tiu! You bring so much love and magic to the world. Long may it continue!

The second is my niece, Sarah, who is bringing incredible strength and humour to a dreadful and very scary attack of cancer. Go, Sarah! Your strength and love is a light to us all. Long may that light shine!

And what can the rest of us do? How about opening our hearts to let us see what power we have and what we can do? How about I step back and let you find your answers for yourself?

A while back, I came across an NLP presupposition that suggested that we each do the best we can - we each make the best choice. That seems crazy at times, and boy, have we lived through some crazy times. But what if it was really true? What if war and riot really was the best (i.e. least worst) option of the limited set of choices individuals have. Yes, it's crazy and it asks us to accept the unacceptable...but what if there was an underlying challenge for us to rise to? What if it might be true that we are only presented with challenges we can handle (even if only for a moment at that point of revelation)?

Yes, a dream....but what if......

how to lose information

2011-08-07T23:20:00.002+01:00

...put it into a group on facebook...or even better, write it as a discussion item within a facebook group. Then the system will either forget your post altogether, or not tell anyone that you put it there - even members of the group. Wonderful.

But then of course, it will randomly post messages about games you're playing - even to (or maybe especially to) people not playing those games. And anything you write on someone's wall will get plastered all over the place. Such a system.

should sport be run by big money?

2011-07-31T00:34:00.003+01:00

There's the rub - is it better to have a series of sports run by the big money people so that they can provide the facilities that spectators want? Or should sports be run according to what the sports fans want? The truth is that most, if not all, sports are short of money and need rich sponsors. Most have decided the way to get money is to get in the rich and the mighty - and to squeeze as much money from their fans as well. Some have decided that broadcasters are a rich source of funding and so they have sold their souls to the pay per view channels or the subscription channels. That leaves the less rich audiences out in the cold. When recession hits, the ranks of the less rich audiences swell up. That's what we have now.

That's why you'll find football fans sitting in pubs, trying not to drink much, so they can watch their teams on Sky or ESPN. But what about the sports that don't fit pub viewing? The rugby world cup might fill a pub now and then - just as the soccer world cup did, but cricket? Surely not. And Formula 1? Doesn't seem likely somehow. And what about the viewers who don't like pubs?

So where do we go from here? How about sponsors paying the broadcasters' costs so that they can continue free-to-air? Let's face it, we already have public events with a sponsor's name in the title - even the Chelsea Flower Show - and the BBC read out the full title. It's happened for snooker - and for some yacht races...why not F1?

by the people for the people

2011-07-31T00:14:00.002+01:00

The row that has broken out in Britain over the TV rights to F1 motor racing raises a question. Who decides what a public broadcaster should do?

It looks more and more likely that the split coverage deal is a direct result of the BBC running out of money and having to find cuts wherever it can. Why did the BBC run out of money? Two reasons spring to mind - poor management and a government refusal to increase the public funding that the BBC relies on. Given that the whole world seems to be short of money, it's not a surprise that the BBC budget has been cut. But if the BBC was a private company, they would have gone out of business long ago without effective management. Stories abound of inflated crews for outside broadcasts; of high salaries for key presenters and artistes; of huge investment in new buildings. No matter how true those stories might be, the question remains - who decides how the BBC should spend its money? How much does the BBC take notice of what its audience wants? Is the problem that the BBC is still riddled with the old public service mentality - in managers and unions?

There is an uncomfortable parallel in the way that Britain's railways have been run. In the 1990s, the rail network was sliced up and sold off - the direct result was poorer services at higher fares and an almost complete lack of network thinking. Studies have shown a huge waste of money on expensive resources - mostly consultants and extra spending on health and safety issues - with little tangible benefit. Now there is an apparent effort to bring the network back under some sort of rational control with lower costs that might come down to the level that other countries spend.

Do we need the same sort of root and branch study of the BBC to cut out waste and bad management and allow the kind of broadcasting that actually meets the needs of the audience? We can all think of things that are bad at the BBC; who will have the guts to tell the top managers and directors it's time they quit?

do broadcasters care about their audiences?

2011-07-29T14:57:00.002+01:00

Let's face it; most mass media is aimed at the lowest common denominator - money. In other words broadcasters focus on what costs least, pays most and/or gets the biggest audience. Sports events want TV coverage so they can get big audiences; if it brings in high-paying sponsors - even better. If they can extract money from their audiences - even better still.
So, today, I suppose we shouldn't be surprised that Formula 1 motor racing has gone where the money is. The BBC is short of money and is cutting back on things wherever they can. Today that includes F1 as they have said they are only going to broadcast half of the races and show highlights of the rest; Sky Sports are going to show everything. And what has been the mass reaction from sports fans? Negative - and overwhelmingly so. Why? Because the sport is accessible to everyone if it's free-to-air as it has been so far - whether on ITV or BBC. And because a lot of sports fans either can't afford to pay the high prices demanded by Sky, or because they regard Sky as the Evil Empire - not surprising if you look at the bad press their majority shareholder, News International (aka the Murdochs), has been getting. Sky is the lowest of the low when it comes to quality - and the highest of the high when it comes to subscription prices.

The way out of this mess? Get the sponsors and the teams and the stars to fund the free-to-air broadcasts. Remove the possibility of exclusive broadcasts by TV channels that are not free-to-air. If Sky complain, tell them to go back to the US or Australia..or....

the world keeps turning

2011-05-10T16:04:00.003+01:00

and yet more surprises come to light...

Today's gem is that Microsoft, that dearly beloved supplier of so many aspects of modern life, have agreed a takeover of Skype. What does that mean? Well, price rises, unreliable software with lots of fancy features nobody asked for, network outages and poor performance - perhaps. I suppose it could have been worse - Skype could have been taken over by AOL.

Then I hear that Sony's playstation network has been more damaged by the hacking recently than had been suspected - and it won't be back for a while longer. I'm not affected but millions are.

The least surprising news is that the AV referendum in the UK was struck down by a 2 to 1 majority. I mean - did anyone really expect the Tories to back the idea when it was likely to reduce their chances of a majority? So a badly explained change to our voting system got rejected by the voters....some of whom were just following what The Times and the Daily Mail and the Prime Minister told them to do - in a phrase "don't think, just vote No".

And of course a lot of voters blamed the Lib Dems for cuts to public services that both major parties agreed were inevitable...wonderful. If in doubt, kick the one least likely to matter. I have little idea why so many hate the Lib Dems; OK, so they promised things in their election documents - it was the Lib Dems for crying out loud! Why did you believe them? For decades, they have had the luxury of spouting policies they know will never come to pass. Yes, their ideas span things we'd like to see happen, but no-one seriously could have expected them to happen.

Welcome to the real world.

Pardon?

2011-01-16T11:35:00.001Z

I just read an article in which the author's job title was "orientation and onboarding facilitator" (for an American airline)... is this the person who collects your boarding pass at the gate?...whatever happened to the common language? (found out later what it actually means...other companies call them buddies for new hires)

singing

2011-01-03T03:10:00.003Z

By the way, I just noticed how sometimes my blogs are like buses - none for ages, then two together.

This one is just to record that, having missed loads of sing-outs, I actually got roped into our last carol concert - and I'm glad I did. It wasn't just carols (thank goodness) but it was the end of an era - the era of our (now ex-) Chorus Director, who decided to resign recently. It was sad to see another transition, especially the manner of it, but it marks the end of another phenomenon. For a while, our club had been unusual - and perhaps unique - in that all of our previous chorus directors were still involved in the club in some role or other. They have all now left.

Who knows what 2011 will bring? I certainly don't. At times in the last few weeks it's felt a bit like the old joke about a ship staying afloat only because the woodworm are holding hands. Keep holding tight, lads.....and sing while you've still got breath....

seasonal thoughts

2011-01-03T02:09:00.004Z

I was reading someone's status on Facebook the other day (yes, I, too use Facebook), when I saw this line "it's been ages since I last blogged". That reminded me that I hardly ever write to this blog. And that in turn reminded me that the title of this blog is less and less relevant to me now - I have written no poetry at all for a long long time.

Why is that? I don't really know. I have always been clear that I write poetry "when the muse dictates". It has never been something I do to order. I only write poetry when I have this urge to write something. That's what happened just now. I was lying in bed, having woken from a fascinating dream and a series of thoughts came to me that I wanted to record. It didn't arrive as poetry, but it had that same "go and write this down now" urgency that my poetry had each time it arrived.

I have no idea why that happened, but I'm following that urge just the same.

Maybe it's the human desire to make a mark. Maybe we all have it, but not everyone follows the urge. Some would say "thank God". I shudder to think what the world would be like if everyone twittered or blogged or wrote facebook updates about every desire to say something. There are some wonderful spoofs around on YouTube and elsewhere that mock the "I'm in the supermarket and I just bought an apple" types of writings.

By the way, if you get the chance and haven't seen it yet, go take a look at the YouTube item on the T-Mobile flash mob at Heathrow Airport "The T-Mobile Welcome Back". Yes, it was a commercial TV advert, but the idea was warm and people's reactions wonderful. Here's the link (I hope)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NB3NPNM4xgo&feature=related

Now, that's a link I enjoy and watch again...and again....and clearly lots do...it's had over 6 million hits already....

Anyway, back to the muse that got me out of bed...

It's been Christmas again; I went and spent part of it with members of my family...again; I had mixed feelings...again. Some of them were happy; it was great to see my two nieces and my nephew - and their offspring. It's strange (and reminds me of my age) to see in front of me the evidence that I'm a Great-Uncle 4 times over. I'm reminded of the pun (at least in English) that you'd have to ask them if I'm a great uncle. One of my nieces has decided it's too confusing for her child to call me "Great-Uncle Simon", so for two generations I'm currently "Uncle Simon". That's fine by me. I'd rather that than not be known at all.

Which brings me to the sadder part of my night-time thoughts earlier. I have no children of my own; the possibility of that ever changing is now surely in the minutest quantity that only a scientist would track. For years the thought has crossed my mind "do I want children" and the answer has always been "it doesn't bother me" or "if fate wills it" or "not especially" or some such variant. I could debate that one endlessly but I won't.

The only part that does bother me is that I'm not passing on my variety of the gene pool - my heritage. I'm acutely aware that my branch of the Hargrave family isn't a big one. My Grandfather had one son (and two daughters); my Father had two sons; my brother had one son and two daughters; my nephew has two sons... and, God willing, they between them will have at least one son to keep the name going.

I tried the family history trail some 15 years ago. At that stage I only confirmed what I knew - where my Grandfather had been born and what his parents were called. I still to this day have no idea if my Grandfather had siblings, though the family story was that he did and that at least one of them came south from Yorkshire and set up shop in Hampshire, just as he did. (The story was that a family member (I don't know who) had been mayor of Portsmouth but I don't know if that was true.) Maybe if I were famous and interesting, there'd be a TV research team willing to help prove it.....

I know the name will live on; just not my branch of it. I did a Google (someone called it an "ego-google") on my name and found there are other Simon Hargrave's in England - one is a photographer in Northamptonshire, and one is in the IT business. There's more than one on Facebook, too. Are they related? Who knows.

On Christmas Eve, I found a bottle of fancy cooking oil in my local Waitrose - it caught my eye because it was produced on a farm in Hargrave, Northants. That made me smile and so I bought it and passed it on.

Sometimes I want to be part of a clan, a movement; something that says "heritage". I've played roles in living history events that have put forward someone else's heritage. I don't know enough to play one of my ancestors because none have shown up in research yet.

Which reminds me of a lighter note to end this ramble on (and maybe let me get some more sleep)... A few years ago, in the middle of a living history event, a couple of us were chatting to a tourist who started to tell us of the events at Tewkesbury. We stayed in character and showed amazement when the tourist told us of hordes of people who came together each summer to re-enact the battle of Tewkesbury in 1471. We showed shock when we heard the tales that travellers from the Low Countries and France would make the pilgrimage. My friend then decided it was time to take the reaction a stage further. He turned to me laughing and said "Sir John, just imagine - maybe one day in the future - maybe some 350 years from now - or even more - two people will stand here and re-enact us having this very conversation here at Arreton". I turned to him and said "Yes, Sir Humphrey...and maybe some traveller will come and retell the story of this annual pilgrimage to Tewkesbury".

(At this point, the tourist finally realised we were gently leading him down the garden path and joined in the laughter.) Ah, happy days....

the caring society?

2010-09-10T10:17:00.002+01:00

Health care costs a lot; companies are under pressure to cut costs and so health care cover is under threat. Here's what the CEO of AT&T has said recently:

"Every element of the health care plan that we look at says that if you just follow economic gravity, you're better off paying the government a fine and dropping health care coverage for your employees." Does that sound like a great company to work for?

He went to say he didn't want to do that, but then added "people we compete with will begin to move that way, and it will create an economic gravity". Translation = "we won't be the first, but if others do it, so will we".

Better get those health check-ups done now....

oops

2010-08-31T00:11:00.003+01:00

re-reading the post I made the other day about town planning, I realise I didn't say what sort of block was being proposed. The answer is a block of flats, some of them to be dedicated to social housing (i.e. for use by those who can't afford the regular market price). So we're saying that land close to a river and in the shadow of the main railway line from London to Birmingham, Manchester etc is fine for those who have little money. And that it's also fine that the new block of flats should overlook the houses and gardens already in place - and currently NOT overlooked.

And why? Because a central government planner has decided that every county must bear its share of new housing, regardless of whether any money has been put in for the infrastructure and whether the quality of life of anyone there is degraded. Wonderful.

town planning...the wonder of our age

2010-08-27T18:25:00.003+01:00

Imagine the situation. A small plot of land, crammed in between a road and a main railway line, on the edge of a residential area. It used to be workshops that served the community - car repairs, light industry. The developers chose to evict those workshops, demolish the buildings and dump containers on the rubble. They then did nothing for ten years. The local residents wanted the land to be used to ease the local car parking problems; the council were aware the land was liable to flood, was rather noisy, and local services were over stretched already.

So what have the local planners done? The developers came up with two plans - one for a small block; one for a much bigger block. The planners found reasons to reject the small block and said yes to the big one (ignoring the reasons they'd said no to the small one).

living in the past

2010-08-21T13:49:00.003+01:00

It's something a lot of people do from time to time. I just spent a week doing a living history re-enactment; it was my choice. However, this morning a news story came out from Saudi Arabia about some medieval torture being inflicted on a citizen. Saudis are living in the past, but the vast majority of them have no choice in it.

One could say that at least we know that Saudis are living in the 14th century and so we can judge their actions accordingly. In a sense, the Taliban were doing the same in Afghanistan. And then there are those who would institute Sharia law in western countries.

Do they choose to ignore that such practices were only written to cope with life at the time of Mohammed? I am sometimes reminded of what I saw when I lived in Tehran. The Koran says that a stream that flows downhill for a certain distance is safe to drink. That's true if you live in a desert, where the water gets filtered. It's not true if the 5 miles (or whatever it is) are filled up by a city with all its pollution. So the devout muslims in South Tehran believed the holy book that said their water was fresh - but those of us who lived in central or north Tehran knew that our eyes showed it wasn't.

Equally pork isn't safe to eat in a hot climate - which is why Judaism forbids it. Now we have cold stores and fridges. Women in some lands are forced to wear full-face veils; is that acceptable in the 21st century?

You will have your views. Mine say that Sharia had its place; western Europe in the 21st century is not its place. If I go to Saudi, I would have to accept the customs of the land; if Saudis (or other strict muslims) come to the UK, they have to accept that Sharia is NOT appropriate here.

Though I imagine there are some who would love to see medieval remedies used on certain investment bankers and politicians.....

..and then...

2010-08-03T23:07:00.002+01:00

...there's facebook and twitter....why do some people use the status updates instead of writing their blogs?

What I notice is that I tend NOT to use the status on facebook, because I'm aware how diverse the membership of my friends list seems to be. If I write about XYZ, will Julie be interested? What will Frank think? And how about Lucy?

Whereas if I write in a blog that I know (do I know?) that only people interested in that kind of blog will read, I can avoid the status feeds going to everyone....

As if people really care.....

why do people write blogs?

2010-08-03T22:54:00.002+01:00

..or to put it another way, why do some start a blog and then not continue it?

I can only put forward my reasons - with my (lack of) understanding of why I do or don't write. I started to write because I felt I had something to say - and I'd reached the point where writing in my private journal wasn't enough. I suppose I'd reached the point where I wanted to justify myself - to use the internet as a way of saying "I exist, I think, I feel".

I'd been writing poetry for a while - and sharing some of it. I'd broken out of the shell of being an IT person. And I was ready to show some of my inner thoughts.

And tonight I notice it's been 7 months since I last wrote here. What I notice is that I didn't miss it. OK, there have been moments when I felt "I must go and write something about this". And generally those thoughts only made it into my journal - or got lost somewhere in transit.

I've just been reading an article about why people tend to defend their buying decisions - and why there is the phenomenon of "fanboys" on internet forums. It raised the question for me - why would I want to defend a buying decision I'd made? Is it to show I was rational in buying X instead of Y? Is it to show I don't feel bad about spending that amount of money? Is it to make me feel better?

Equally, why do people write blogs? Is it to show how clever they are - or how passionate they are - or how green - or..... (fill in the blank for yourself)....

Or is it to say "I'm confused/worried/upset/happy/amazed/delighted..." or maybe just "hey! I'm still here!"

the cold wind doth blow

2009-12-20T15:07:00.002Z

Well, it did..and the rhyme was right - we did get snow. Some of it is still around as the temperature has hovered around or below freezing, despite the December sun being out.

Will it still be white at Christmas or will it just be the frost? We'll see.

Some years ago, trains in the UK were bothered by what was called "the wrong type of snow". Eskimos and electrical or mechanical engineers will probably understand that. The rest of us just remember it as a good example of how a sound bite gets to be part of the humour of a nation.

I wonder how the Eurostar engineers will explain away what happened this weekend? Apparently 4 or 5 trains had crossed a frozen northern France and entered the safe haven of the Channel Tunnel - only to break down in the tunnel due to "warm and humid air". It being a Friday night and no-one expecting such a problem, it took a long time to rescue the passengers. The service has not yet restarted while the engineers try to work out what went wrong.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to work out what brings on a nasty cough I've had since Wednesday. As a result I've missed the last two carol concerts given by the Knights of Harmony for this year's festive season. Gives me the chance to recover before Christmas (as opposed to over Christmas, as happened to me last year when flu got hold of me). Oh well, at least I'm saving money on petrol and food...

facing up to it

2009-11-27T00:04:00.003Z

Lots of people use Facebook these days. Some use it to keep in touch with their friends; some use it to chatter away, giving those little hints that their lives have the same highs and lows and things that irritate or enliven that you or I do. Some seem to use it to say "my life is different from yours, because (fill in the blank).

And some use it as the gateway to online games. What I notice is that when I dip in and try something, I go through the stages of wondering what it is and what I'm supposed to click on. I pretty soon find (1) it's rather tedious or just not fun or (2) it takes loads of effort or (3) maybe, just maybe, if I click on it again, I might just get the hang of it.

And then there's the moment when I reach level 2 and a score of 6,000 (and feel really pleased), soon followed by the moment when I find out that some friend of mine has got to level 35 and a score of 100,000. At that point, amazement turns to despair, tinged with the thought "how did they find so much time to do all that?"

Of course, the final blow comes when I see the global league table and discover the world leader is at level 3165 with a score of 15 million. This person clearly has no other life; I just hope they're happy.

The next stage is for me to remember that I only went in for a few minutes amusement to fill in that quiet time when I was waiting for something or other. If I manage that, I can go in again and rejoice in the 6,000 score.

And, of course, I could share something with my online friends - or even (wow) actually have a chat with them. Or even switch off the computer and go and see someone.

What a thought.

say what you want

2009-11-06T23:27:00.002Z

It seems so obvious - if I want a box of eggs, I have to find the right shop and go in and ask for a box of eggs. If I don't ask, I don't get.

Why is it, then, that we find it so easy to leave it up to the universe to guess what we really want? If we want someone to come and keep us company, we have to ask - rather than dropping hints. If we want someone to help publish a book of poems and photos, we have to find someone who knows what to do and then negotiate a support contract (fancy words for agreeing who does what and when).

I just looked back at a plan I wrote down in March 2005 and sat wondering why it hadn't happened. I'd told my friends what I wanted to achieve - I'd even said what help I was looking for. Looking back, I can see I said it to a group, all of whom thought someone else would pick up the ball. It's taken a long time to realise I had to ask specific people to help on explicit things before the bigger picture would emerge.

Of that group, the one person who has really made a success (from my perspective) is the one who went and spoke to individual friends and asked for specific bits of help. She has used every tool she can get her hands on - including facebook and who knows what else. And I'd bet she still feels she has a long way to go.

Time for bed, said Zebedee.

still here

2009-10-28T22:32:00.001Z

yes, it seems so.

I've spent loads of time helping people get used to new ways of working, and now I'm having to do the same. First my client closed a bunch of local offices but luckily they provided me with a way of working from home. That saved me lots of time each day - commuting was now a case of walking across the room. The new way of working meant that I had to remember to do the basics - so easy to get slack if no-one would see me all day.

And now that contract is over. So I'm adjusting to having more time to do the things I choose; and it's funny how I find ways of filling my time with things I didn't used to do. Or maybe it's not so funny.

What will I do next? I'll tell you when I've figured it out.
Probably.

...maybe it shouldn't surprise

2009-01-19T22:10:00.002Z

Today I met up with a colleague who'd called me a few times but hadn't been able to meet me until today. Over the phone I'd had trouble understanding why she acted in a very particular way. Then, today, she explained. She has some challenges - physical and medical - and they affect her ability to do some things. But they clearly don't affect her mental powers at all; in fact, I rather think they enhance them.

She explained with a smile: "if I find something that challenges me, I sit and find a way of dealing with it". And that's why she seemed particular - she knows from her experience that some things just don't work for her - and that the way she asks for something is the way she knows she can be effective.

And what really impressed me was her strength and determination. I really like and admire that. The clarity of her vision is an inspiration.

just a reminder

2009-01-18T22:02:00.001Z

that I have a website that I haven't updated for ages...with poems and photos on it. One day I'll revamp it. I had a chat with a colleague back last summer about ways of making it fancy...and then haven't had the time and energy to do it (yet).

The address? www.facilitator.demon.co.uk

winter morning blues

2008-12-04T05:59:00.001Z

early morning chill
the commuter resists
why move now
more time in bed
or cuddled by the fire
with a good book

because the money's out there
somewhere

not nestled here beside me

things keep on changing

2008-11-19T18:50:00.002Z

Yes, I know it's been said before.

I'm working with an organisation that's going through massive change; people are feeling battered and bruised and not valued at all. And this is in an organisation that claims to be making things better for people. What hope do we have away from the caring professions?

Bankers are proving their worth (about 50p, devalued as the pound sinks against all known currencies). Investment seems even more of a mug's game. And savings are getting a pittance in interest.

Even the fantasy world I've used as a sideshow is going through change as its owners realise they didn't get the offerings right. Yes, it's a game - a virtual environment, but reality intervenes everywhere. After getting used to being creative on a bigger scale, I find myself having to do it on the head of a needle again.

What fun.

now it's later

2008-10-21T18:32:00.002+01:00

When I wrote those things last night I meant them. It felt good to have said them. I slept afterwards - and that felt even better. On the way to work I met my niece - a chance in a million - and somehow, as the day went on, I felt better. Not the best, but better. It's still not ideal and there's a way to go - but no burning bridges (yet).
Small things went right today. More of the same would be good tomorrow....
Let's see how the week pans out. Still tough stuff lurking.

OK....

2008-10-21T02:02:00.002+01:00

I just said it. I really felt it. I wrote it in my journal and then I wrote it here.

There are times when movies say it so well.
Is this my "hill of beans" as Rick said in Casablanca?

We have such power and yet we use it so rarely.

I have to shift the load. Up the stakes. State my case.

Now. Today.

I'm....

2008-10-21T01:53:00.002+01:00

exhausted
sick
tired

unwilling to go on like this

There.
I said it.
You read it.

So.
Now what?

I have to change
or die like this

How often have I said this?
How often have I actually done what I need to?

Did I really spend months on courses
To spend my life like this?

Did I really dream big
To huddle like this?
To get sick like this

Am I really going to stick with it?

I knew last week
What I had to do
And maybe that's why my body rebelled
last Friday morning

I knew then this week was tougher
Longer
Harder
Than I was prepared to do

So, why did I let myself
Put myself in the firing line

Duty
Honour
Obligation
Not wanting to let people down

And right now
Even though I can see the truth
Why do I still falter
before the only step that makes sense?

Because I gave my word I'd be there for them
Those demanding voices

Because I know their pain
Their hurt
Their fears

But we are the SAME
We're drawn together because...
We're human
We care

These people I work with
They are from the caring side of life
And they feel like they're being treated like shit

So do I
At times

what right have I?

2008-10-04T18:35:00.002+01:00

to expect better

what voice have I
to stop the tide

and yet
how could I sit and watch
as the flood sweeps on

how can I just think
when feeling is the only path

how can I dream
when now is the moment to move

how can I rest
when every fibre screams

what right have I
to stay silent

when the world is alive

is it a life

2008-10-04T18:33:00.001+01:00

if all we do is survive

is it love
if all we do is fear

is it happiness
if all around is sad

is it eternity
that silence that awaits

treasure

2008-10-04T18:29:00.002+01:00

what we have
what we see
what we feel

those fleeting moments of true happiness
that shaft of sunlight
that sudden welcome warmth
that hug
that smile

that moment of calm
that thrill
that pure sweet moment

isn't it fun?....

2008-10-04T18:25:00.002+01:00

Summer passed us by - instead we had rain and cloud and more rain.
Autumn is coming - wind and rain and cloud and colder mornings.
Health seems to have escaped - here I sit, coughing and sneezing
Wealth seems an illusion - even banks can't seem to hold on to money

everything seems to age
decay and malfunction seem the norm

isn't it fun....

What's up?

2008-09-07T00:26:00.004+01:00

A friend of mine remembered my birthday and sent me a card. Always nice. Then she asked me what I've been up to, and said she'd go off and look at my website to find out. Little did she know!

I suppose the whole idea of websites and blogs is that you can keep them up to date so people know what you're up to. Great theory; BUT... In truth I've been rather busy at work, travelling around and getting tired. So, no new poems, no new blog entries, no new photos. Not the way I'd intended.

So, here's a note. I'm still around. I spent the August bank holiday at Harmony College - the educational weekend put on by BABS (the British Assoc of Barbershop Singers) - at Nottingham. I found out what it's like to sing in a chorus of 130 with 50 of them basses. OK, when I was with Watford Philharmonic, we had 130 singers - but the biggest group was the altos, and then the sopranos. A different sound altogether.

I'm still busy helping people cope with the shock and disruption of getting new IT systems in their workplace. I'm still exploring other avenues of creativity when I can.

and another voice.....not quiet any longer

2008-07-31T02:51:00.000+01:00

What voice is this

That says, Stop

Give up now

Just fall in line

What spirit is this

That urges me on

To fall again

And rise bloodied

What hope is this

That pierces the dark

Rails against fear

Pushes beyond pain

What love is this

That feels every hurt

Hates to leave

Wants to hug

What life is this

But ours to keep on

Taking each breath

Each step beyond

Uncertain

Unclear

Unforgiven

poems belatedly shining out

2008-07-31T02:48:00.003+01:00

I was going through a pile of papers this week and found two poems I'd written some time ago - one very clearly last August when a particular problem was gripping. Somehow I'd forgotten to type them up and certainly hadn't published them. So, here's the missing works.

How much is toothache

A reflection of inner turmoil?

Can those searing pains

Speak of nerves a-tingle?

What inner screams are held

Where words fail to soothe

As gas gurgles within

So thoughts bubble and splutter

The inner churning goes on

Jaw aflame

Nerves twanging in torment

The prayer rises

Begging for sweet relief

The clock ticks on

As the body awaits

Potion or peace

do dreams matter?

2008-07-03T06:04:00.003+01:00

What a question. Of course they matter. Where would we be if we didn't have dreams? Somewhere darker, more dreary, less hopeful for sure. What would get us through those darker days?

And yet, sometimes I wake from a weird dream, wondering what was that all about? Some say dreams are just our brains making space to store memories. Others say it's a fantasy world peeking out. (I'm suddenly reminded of the scene in Men in Black when the locker is opened to reveal..... well, I won't spoil it if you haven't seen that film yet.) Well, then there's those who say - no, our dreams are foretelling our future. Who really knows?

Yes, OK, so I'm cheating - talking about dreams as hopes in the same way as what happens when we're asleep. But then, it is the same word, isn't it?

I dream
I wake
who can tell which is more real?

work?

2008-04-24T13:19:00.002+01:00

Back in December, I wrote about the fun of getting a new contract. Well, I got one. It started in mid-January and it's kept me pretty busy. I've been to Manchester, Preston, Penrith, Bristol, Colchester, Maidstone, Ashburton and London. I've taught classes of people about a new system they're getting. Now I'm waiting for the go-ahead for the next stage - coaching people on how to use the system once it's live.

Now you might think it'd be an idea to train people just before go-live. Yes, it is. But most people would rather be given a system that works well, than one that's close but not quite ready. So, wisely, the clients decided to fix some issues before go-live. Maybe a software company or two could learn from that?

But it does mean that photos just haven't been taken - until we had some snow on the tulips, and then again yesterday when we had sunshine on the bluebells. It means I've resisted the chances to buy yet more camera gear.

And it also means I've written no poetry recently. I've always been clear that I write when the muse calls me; I don't write to order. It's a shame, but it just shows how special that period was in which I wrote 100 poems in six months.

I'll write again.

ain't it grand?

2008-04-24T13:09:00.002+01:00

I should know by now...things change and you don't always know. Sometimes, you don't know there's been a change until the day you try to do it the old way. Sometimes you realise it's changed, but don't know why. Sometimes you know why...and still don't like it.

I just found out why I hadn't been able to update my website. The technical reason was simple, once I found out. Somehow, my website was taking up more space than when I'd last changed it. The provider had changed the way it was stored and hadn't bothered to say "oh, by the way, your old website will use more space now". They then hid the reason I couldn't update - or the way to find out how much space was in use.

Well, OK, maybe they didn't deliberately hide the information; they just put it somewhere new and didn't say where that was. And of course the helpline had a queue, and the text chat facility they put on to avoid the phone queue....also had a queue.

So, now I can fix the broken link on the website. And I deleted a couple of galleries that had been there a while. Fun? No. Quick? No. Done? For now.

why?

2007-12-11T23:51:00.000Z

Sometimes I wonder why I do something. Often I don't. I've discovered that changing jobs is a good way of looking at why I'm taking a particular course of action. Today I went for 2 interviews. The first was with a recruitment consultant who'd seen my CV and wanted to know more about me. I quickly realised how little was actually in my CV. How much was missed out. After a while, the consultant sat back and said "now I know more about you".

And then the question "what do you want to do next?" I realised I didn't have a clear answer. I thought I did - until there was actually someone sitting there asking me. And then I realised that the kind of job I was looking for was only a small part of what I want to do. A challenging thought - especially as a couple of hours later I was due at a job interview with a potential employer. But it gave me the chance to think about it.

That meant that when I got into the second interview I was able to handle a comment from the client (possibly my future boss). He observed that I seemed to be moving from one type of training to another; in his experience he'd found that people seemed to move in the opposite direction. My answer was that I was looking for a challenge - and that I loved the buzz when students actually "get it".

But underlying it was the memory of the feelings I'd had, back a few years ago when I was doing NLP training as a main line activity. I felt it was all very well, but in some way divorced from daily reality. And I felt the need to be grounded back in practical tasks.

So maybe that's why I'm back in the realms of IT after several years. Or at least I will be if and when I get the next job...

Well, of course, I've been back for some time. The bank job was training and coaching in IT. Mostly. Or was it survival training for all those caught up in the tangles?

Maybe that's also part of the greater purpose. I'm not likely to have anything to do with the emergency services; but I can still rescue people - or teach them how to survive.

Let's see what happens next.

the time is right?

2007-12-11T23:26:00.000Z

Are you an early adopter or a late adopter? Are you the first on your block to do something or the first anywhere? Or is your timing just spot on?

I don't suppose I'd ever thought about it. I started to use Google because it seemed easier to use than yahoo or the other searches around. I didn't consider whether I was setting or following a trend. I know I was using it before lots of others. But who knows how many were there before me? I know that the term googling hadn't really taken off.

The other day I joined facebook. Again, I wasn't bothered about trends. I signed up because a friend of mine wrote to me and invited me to join in. This friend then commented that I seemed to have been on for 5 minutes and had more friends than she'd had in 2 months. Well, the reason was very simple - I hadn't realised that facebook would pillage my email address book and look to see how many it could find already signed up. (The answer was between 20 and 30!) And when I looked to see who was there, the list was pretty varied. Sure, there were one or two I would regard as early adopters; one had fully got the hang of blogs and stuff long before I even bothered to look at them.

But then I step back and think - does this matter? In a sense it does. There's a saying in or around NLP that suggests we do things when the time is right for us. The suggestion is that there's some sort of force that just knows when that time is. I just wish it would let on sometimes - just what the grand plan might be!

Is there such a force? I don't know. Would I trust it if there were? Probably not at first. Would it serve me well? Maybe.

I just know that there are times when it just feels right to do something. I can't explain it. And then, a little while later, a light comes on and says "this is why you're doing it".
Usually.

funny, isn't it?

2007-12-02T23:35:00.000Z

...just how much things can affect us, even when we know it's not real. How many times have you found a tear in your eye when you watch a particular movie? How many times has some novel...or even a soap opera got through to you when a character loses something or someone?
Not everyone can do a Rhett Butler..."frankly, my dear...."

I had a case of that a while ago. Second Life has the possibility for characters to rent places to live...now, just stay with me for a moment...I know it's not real, and the players go "home" at night... but if we're really recreating a life-like environment, then it ain't all discos and bars and fun palaces... Yes, I know that characters can be left to "sleep" on the beach while players are away. Or as some people do, just logoff and leave them wherever they stand. Can be fun when you logon next time and find a completely different scene taking place....

Well, anyway, one of my characters had fallen in love with a gorgeous condo overlooking the sea, a few steps away from the nicest beach I've seen in a long time. And then the black hats came by...with big black moustaches and sniggering laughter... and announced that this tropical paradise was being demolished to make way for a Japanese shopping mall...effective immediately. I found a really sad place inside that thought this was horrible...and so it was very easy for my character to be found a few minutes later, sitting on the beach in floods of tears....

This was months ago, and I'd rather forgotten about the scene. Yesterday I met one of the other characters who'd been there. And I was reminded of the scene...and as I sat thinking, the sadness came flooding back.

So, as you think of that sad movie moment...doesn't it still get to you??

funny, eh?

should I...or shouldn't I..

2007-11-30T00:18:00.000Z

...comment when I see something that exasperates me?

This time, I'm going to. I generally avoid writing about political things, tempting though they often are. So, what is it this time? transport policy? political funding? the middle east?
No, it's the vital topic - what do I call a teddy bear?

Surprised? Maybe. I am. I just came home and heard that a British teacher in Sudan has just been jailed for letting her class of 8 year olds name a teddy bear after the chief figure in islam. I choose not to use the name; even though it is one of the most common first names amongst muslim men.

Why am I exasperated? Because it is one of those things that happen.... children use a word in a way that to them is natural, innocent, and without any malice. And adoring or indulgent adults smile and let them.

In many ways, the people who made an issue out of it were themselves acting in a natural way. They saw something that offended or endangered their values and they stood up for what they believe in. Many would applaud that. Many would like to have the courage to stand up and say - no!

And yet I sit here thousands of miles away, wondering what is the most appropriate response. My first reaction was full of anger "how dare they". Now, it's one of sadness. Sadness that an innocent, unthinking act has become front page news. Sadness that a country that has been through so much is again on the front pages. Sadness that a frightened woman is now in jail, fearing for her own safety. Sadness that religion is again being waved in faces.

what do I bring to the party?

2007-11-17T00:20:00.000Z

.... I often wonder that. Now and then, I get an answer. Today, one of the guys I've been working with defined it for me. He remarked "I'm sure you'll carry across the same enthusiasm and commitment and will be a success" (in whatever you do next). And this from someone who exhibited just those very qualities in what he did.

So maybe it's true. Maybe we see some aspect of ourselves in others. I've long known that when I give feedback to another person, I say it in ways that are important to me. If I value loyalty, I will comment favourably when someone else is loyal. When someone else is loving and gentle, I notice it because I have within me the capability to be loving and gentle - and I value it highly.

The reverse is also true. If someone is pushy and harsh, maybe I react against it because I know I can be like that - and I don't like it.

The other day, I went to a christening. I saw a young member of my family, who's just about to turn 8, acting very gently and lovingly to his very young new cousin. He seems to show a wonderful aptitude with babies and young children. And he also knows how to correct his granny who keeps saying that the newborn is his niece. "She's my COUSIN" he says firmly, with a hint of exasperation. Deep down, I recognise that Charlie is indeed a member of my family.

Get a ....Second Life?

2007-11-16T23:42:00.000Z

Most of us have enough problems with this life. We bubble around doing whatever we can - and avoiding whatever we can't.

But some have discovered there's alternative places to live. One is the phenomenon called Second Life. Maybe you know it. Maybe you've been there. For some it's an escape from whatever is bothering them about their everyday life. For some it's a way of being someone else. For some it's a way of acting in a way that is so unlike their "real" self.

I've been going there on and off since April. I had a couple of days off sick and was so bored with just surfing the net or lying in bed that I followed a link from a website. It took me a while to get going. And then the full potential gradually dawned on me. I really DON'T have to be who I am in real life. I can change everything - my name, my appearance, my age....even my gender....wow!

But of course, I can't really do any of that. And once I start speaking as this other character, however hard I try, the person who comes out from behind the mask - is ME. Well, now there's a surprise.

I'm used to playing parts - I spend a week or two every summer taking part in living history events - and I used to act in stage plays. The difference between my former stage roles and the living history is that the latter is 90% improvisation and 10% sketched character in a designed landscape. We each know what character we are playing and where he or she is in the cast of characters. We know the period we're re-enacting (usually the English Civil War). And the rest is down to us. Sometimes visitors come up to us and ask how we remember the scripts so well. That raises a laugh - "script? what script?" And that of course raises the visitor's eyebrows even further "you mean you're improvising it all as you go along?" Well, yes. It's more fun that way. We're not acting out the same scene every day to a different audience. We're recreating the daily lives of people in a historical context - and generally those daily lives move on a little each day. Some days we deliberately make the "plot" leap forward with dramatic events. Much more fun.

So, when I visit the fantasy world of Second Life, I already have roleplays in mind. But I have never yet actually reused a roleplay from a previous visit. Sure, each player has invented a character (an avatar, in the terminology), and given that character some sort of profile. But what we actually get to talk about is whatever comes to mind in the situations we visit. Because, you see, Second Life (SL to its fans) allows lots of different venues for the characters to visit and very sci-fi ways of flitting between venues whenever you feel like it.

And you know what comes out for me? A very rebellious streak. A desire to help characters to escape to a haven of their choosing. Some would say it's a haven within the haven of SL for those who can't face....whatever it is that drives them to be there in the first place. But of course we choose to do whatever we can imagine. And what I notice is that the internet has allowed yet another community to exist. The community of people who dive off into a fantasy world for an hour - or more. And the great thing is that no physical harm comes to the players (if you exclude the harm done by crouching in front of a PC or laptop!).

What do people do in Second Life? They act out fantasies and invite others to join in. Who do they meet? Whoever turns up. And they have ways of keeping in touch with other players so they can develop friendships. Sounds a bit like real life, eh?

where am I?

2007-11-16T20:45:00.000Z

I haven't posted here for a long time. Fact or opinion?
I haven't had anything to write about. Opinion or emotion?
I haven't had the time to write. Emotion or physical state?

Who knows?

What matters to me is that I feel inspired to write. And that's what got me writing poetry in the first place. Today I finished working on a full time job; the first I've had since the end of 1999. The job was started as a stop-gap; a way of earning money; a way of getting back into the world of work. Wow. What a concept that is - "the world of work". It suggests that people who don't work regular hours at a defined job are not actually working. Try suggesting that to people working their socks off at part-time activities.

The truth is that I've worked on lots of things since 1999; they just didn't involve being an employee at a company that paid regular salary cheques.

And just now I read an article from a friend of mine; he said "if you want to find out someone's values, look at what they're doing". So I thought about that in the context of the job I just finished. What was I doing there? And I started to answer the question like this:

I'm bringing light to people in darkness. Not the bright white light that asks "how much did you sell today", but the warm glow that says "how do you feel about not knowing what to do or how to do it. How would you like to feel more in control?"

What do I mean? Well, this. The client was a big commercial company that expects its staff to sell, sell, sell. But the company is a bank. A bank whose customers expect them to provide access to their money whenever they want it, and somewhere safe to leave it when they don't. Those customers don't want to be sold at. One customer even asked "can you please put a marker on my account telling your staff not to try to sell me stuff each time I come in?"

And guess what? A manager moaned at me for daring to recount that story "because it might demotivate her staff from selling".

And this bank is in the middle of replacing every computer system with new ones. They have made lots of decisions; most are of the kind "we go ahead with the plan, no matter what". And line managers demand more sales, just because their bosses keep demanding more sales.

And no-one really cared that the front line staff have been suffering for months, each time a customer tries to do something and the computer stops it happening. I've been in there these last 15 months, coaching, supporting and doing what I can to ease the pain of those front line heroes. And now the bank has said "enough of that, we're done, no more support". But the line managers look at me in disbelief and say "how can you leave now? who will save us?"

And it hurts to leave them like that. But in truth it's been hurting me to stay in that environment. No poems; no photos; less singing. I'm better off out of there. I just wish I could help my friends who are still there.

That's what's important to me. I care. And the last of the local line managers I saw today said quietly as I said that: "yes, I know you do." So maybe someone has noticed. A victory. One of many.

time and tide

2007-07-31T06:19:00.000+01:00

I'm very aware I've written nothing here for a while. Why is that? Mostly because most of my energy has been taken up with the day job. Partly because I've been clear since I started writing creatively that I will write only when the muse wants to speak.
I'm not a mechanical writer; I don't put in a certain amount of time every day just writing. That's not my style. There are very few things I will guarantee to do every day. But that doesn't mean idleness or anything like that. It means I need to be inspired - frequently - to make this sort of contribution to the world.

What I've been doing at working is helping others survive during a period of hectic change. It's not fun watching others suffer. But that's what I've been forced to do as a large organisation goes through major change. You know what change is like; you know what happens when things don't work right. Now add to that what you go through when you can't carry out your financial transactions when and how you want.

Parts of England have gone through major flooding in the last few weeks. Now that's real change - real examples of having your life turned upside down and with the prospect of months of disruption and real, palpable loss of what you hold dear. New Orleans went through it with Katrina; California, Spain and Portugal, and other parts of the world went through it with forest fires. New York went through it. It happens.

So, the fact I've written very little recently seems to be put into a different context.

Let's see what happens next.

Simon

life - a cinquaine

2007-03-30T22:00:00.001+01:00

Life

Amazing, unpredictable

Challenging, uplifting, inspiring

What would we do without it

Spirit

once more in that dark night

2007-02-28T03:43:00.000Z

Woke in the night
Mind buzzing
Not the first time

What disturbs my soul so
That I must go without sleep

What energy flows
That cannot stop
What deep urge drives me on

Have I ignored the signs
Misread the message
That now spurs the muse

Where does it lead
When will I see it

fight for the right?

2007-02-28T03:38:00.000Z

Is my sense of right so strong
That I must fight tirelessly to protect

Is my sense of running out of time
So strong I must hasten it

My mission urges me to fight
Without knowing the cause

State the obvious
Because I see it so clear

Shout the odds
Without fear of reproach

timing is .... oops

2007-02-28T03:34:00.000Z

How often is it - I see a trend in the markets and think - tomorrow I must sell and protect the gains? And how often do the markets take a tumble in the dawn before I act?

dreams

2007-02-09T21:59:00.000Z

Voices in harmony
What finer sound?
Lives in harmony
What better way?

taking a wider view

2007-01-20T09:59:00.000Z

Recently a former colleague and fellow member of an informal alumni group published to the group a list of blogs by members. My initial reaction was not to add to the list. Why? Because somehow it was OK to share my thoughts and poetry with strangers and friends, but not with former colleagues. Until I thought of the work of a poet I like and admire - David Whyte. He targets the corporate world with poetry in a way I'd like to emulate. So, why not? Today I answered that. A few minutes ago I emailed my contact with the address of this blog. The view widens; another step.

Simon

what

2007-01-02T22:58:00.000Z

What starts it
A look
A word

What excites it
A feeling
A breath

What sustains it
A touch
A sound

What deflates it
A chill
A doubt

What revives it
A hope
A smile

passion

when

2007-01-02T22:52:00.000Z

When I fall in love
It’s easy and quick
Painless
Takes no effort at all

Until I find I have to leave
Then I can but grow out
Falling out of love won’t do
Doesn’t happen
It may take a year
Or more
But one day it’s gone

It’s like falling into a hole
And then having to climb out slowly
The long way round
And when I get back
It isn’t the same place
Looks familiar
But it’s not the same

Each time is different
And so much the same
Love to love
Hate to lose
And have to start over
Again and again

comment

2006-12-05T21:48:00.000Z

Why is it OK to go to war
but not to hospital
How do we pay our representatives more
but our nurses and doctors less
What use is more runways
when the roadways won't get us there
What purpose is personal saving
when taxes are spent so loosely
How does England stay green
when the air turns brown

what time is it?

2006-12-03T18:10:00.000Z

How long have I got?
Just an hour
Or a minute
Or a decade or two

How long do I need
To catch an eye
Capture a moment
Set free a dream

Should I walk slowly
Savouring each step
Drinking in the shaft of light
Feeling the air on my cheek

Should I walk fast
To catch the view
To arrive in time
Free up the moment

What is time
But a way of keeping track
Of hoarding the seconds
Whilst years float by

Is it the peaks we seek
Or the steps between
Is it the arrival
Or the moving that matters

Drifting through the sunlight
Glimpsing each leaf turn
Each blade of green beneath
Each wisp of air

Who is to judge
If we have seen every high
Or felt the long grass
In each field passing by

How long
How strong
How soft
How full

Am I?

the spirit speaks on

2006-09-12T03:27:00.000+01:00

Once more into the unknown
That dark night of the soul
Reaching out through mist and doubt
Towards the light of eternity

The sun that calls us forth
The wind that caresses
The soft grass under foot
The flower of the spirit

Do you call me on
Seeing my darkness
Testing my faith
Until I stand true

Ready to bear
To witness the fear
And set forth beyond
Until the day of grace

I know not my journey
What steps lie in wait
But I know I must continue
You call me on

in touch

2006-09-12T03:18:00.000+01:00

I started to write. Out came the phrase "the dark night of the soul". The spirit within speaking out clear. And then I found this phrase comes to me from "Title: Dark Night of the Soul; Creator(s): John of the Cross, St. (1542-1591)" to which wikipedia says: "Dark Night of the Soul is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth."

What voice is speaking to me? And what message passes through?

For this is what I wrote:

Once more into the unknown
That dark night of the soul
Reaching out through mist and doubt

hope on a dark eve

2006-09-12T03:11:00.000+01:00

The back street glistens
Mud and grey stone
And yet a warming light within
Restoring weary legs
Fellowship

A friendly smile
Joy at arrival
Safe at last
We did it again
Relief

thoughts at three am

2006-09-12T03:10:00.000+01:00

Can it be for this?
The middle of the night waking
The sense of foreboding
The falling short
Stuck in some swamp
Alone

Is this all there is?
Struggling through mud
To some forsaken land
The dregs of life
Industrial swamp
Weary

So where to now?
The long waking trudge
The waiting for dawn
The weary step
The humid night
Drained

Where will it lead?
Abandoned again
Cast out
Like so much trash
Discarded in the dust
Used

Or will the sun shine?
Warm
Rejuvenated
Alive?

on a lighter note

2006-08-23T23:15:00.000+01:00

After seeing Griff Rhys Jones and others on Sir John Betjeman...

What fun
Life continues
What joy
Laughter sweeps over us

What doubt
Could possibly cloud us
What pain
Could cool us

When we dream
Do we not move
When we smile
Do we not warm

What manner of doubt
Could quench the thirst for life
What question
Could stop our march

Except this
Wherever next?

what makes me write?

2006-08-22T18:52:00.000+01:00

A question I sometimes wonder about, but in truth it's really not a conscious decision. I get the urge sometimes, and I can go a long time without. When I started writing poetry, back in the dark days of November 2004, the first few items took a while to form, and then it started flowing like a fountain. Until the day, that is, that it seemed to stop. It was as if the voice inside had had its say and was content to just allow me to go on living without it wanting to express itself.

Now the voice awakes rarely. The most recent time was one evening when I was feeling unexpectedly poorly and challenged. It was almost as if the voice inside suddenly woke up to the possibility of being silenced altogether. A scary moment and not one that happens often.

I'd like to be able to write frequently; I'd like it to be upbeat and positive at times, but that's simply not the way it works (at the moment).

Simon

is it?

2006-08-19T00:06:00.000+01:00

That sudden realisation
This could be it
What do I do now

Have I reached that critical moment
When all my choices are gone
Fate stands beside me

The darkness awaits
Ready and open to accept me

But I am not
I cannot
Will not leave now

Will the moment pass
Or will I cease
Disappear

What can I do
But accept fate’s bidding

It is either my moment
Or it is not
I dare not choose

a tear

2006-08-18T23:15:00.000+01:00

A tear in my eye
And not from hearing a sad story
Or feeling the sharp tear of pain

But from hearing my own voice
My heart opening
And letting flow that inner pain

That inner loneliness
That doubt
That unvarnished truth

That simple phrase
I am a poet

For years I have pretended
Postured
Preened

Pushed out my cloak
As if to make more
And hidden the chasm within

Yes I am more than this
Whatever snippet you hear

And yet I do not control your thought
You hold your impression alone
Of how I might be

Who am i
What is this stuffed bag
Overflowing with life’s wounds

I am mightier beyond words
When it is my true self that speaks

Stands strong
And yet, so weak
Open

vulnerable

me

making photos available for purchase

2006-06-28T18:02:00.000+01:00

We've just started to sell our photos and one step along the way is to use photobox.
Let's see if I can get the link to work.

http://www.photoboxgallery.com/razberryred

conventioning and other stuff

2006-05-31T09:29:00.000+01:00

The last couple of weeks have been busy. Starting a new business venture. Attending the annual convention of barbershop singers. Just getting on with stuff.

And what I notice is that it all works best when I'm open to including people around me. When I allow others their expression - just as I want to be given the chance to express myself.

The convention was spectacular - we came 10th out of 26 competing choruses - much better than we feared. And the main guests were the Ambassadors of Harmony from St Louis, Missouri - 140 singers in great harmony - and all seemed to be gentle, friendly, open people.

The new business? Well, we got a bunch of sales in the first evening of putting our wares on show (a series of photos that two of us had taken).

The stuff? Training courses running on; gentle exploration - the usual voyage through doubt and confusion to a place where the light of understanding flickers into being. And yesterday an invitation to join in other work; nice!

Simon

listening?

2006-05-31T09:27:00.000+01:00

Do I listen to the world
Or does the world listen to me
How often do I ask
When do I receive

And yet, as I remain open
The world opens its arms
Gentle gifts await

The big dreams stay aloof
No closer with each dawn
The little wishes find ways
Of speaking their truth

---
simon

balance

2006-05-31T09:26:00.000+01:00

A world in balance is but a dream
Yet all we do is balance
Like a dancer on tiptoe
Agile
Uncertain
Turning in the breeze
Flags fluttering
Awaiting harmony

----
Simon

the voices

2006-04-30T22:32:00.000+01:00

I just spent the evening hearing wonderful voices singing in the Russian style. I saw an advert for a Russian Choir concert, and visions of the Red Army Choir flooded in - dozens of big Russians with deep mellow voices. This afternoon I checked how to find the venue, and found a link to the choir's website - yes, even Russian choirs have websites now - and found it's an ensemble of soloists - six maximum! And then, when the concert started, four smartly dressed men walked on stage. But what men - a deep basso profondo, a bass-baritone, a strong Russian tenor, and a counter-tenor. And what a sound. They easily filled the church with their voices, creating that amazing resonance that seems to be part of the Eastern European tradition.
And they sang both sacred music and then Russian folk music. What an evening!
The ensemble's name? The Hermitage Ensemble from St Petersburg. Here's their website.

http://www.seenworks.com/hermitage

----
Simon

quote of the week

2006-04-25T22:39:00.000+01:00

'There is an art, or, rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.'
Douglas Adams

the next train

2006-04-25T08:54:00.000+01:00

Have I missed the train?
No matter - another will come
I didn't want that one anyway
Too soon - not ready - why rush
But when comes the last
Driven by Peter or Old Nick
Guardians of Fate
the 10.05 to Eternity Central
via Judgement Junction

----
Simon

close, but ...

2006-04-25T08:53:00.000+01:00

Can I accept I will never be?
The nearly famous
The almost beautiful
The not quite ready
The incomplete
The temporary
The soon not to be

Dare I cry enough
Take the leap of faith
and risk the fall
or curl up safe unfound

----
Simon

midnight thoughts - the morning after

2006-04-25T08:44:00.000+01:00

I haven't felt like writing for a while; don't know why. Here's what I wrote last night around midnight.

How long can I sing alone
Sounding my note loud and clear
and yet oft so uncertain
that when I hear others
I go quiet
Afraid of revelation
Charlatan
Mister Average

What will it take
For my song to sound true
My pitch
My pace
My glory to come
Not memories of fading past.

----
Simon

first light

2006-03-16T10:58:00.000Z

First light creeps across the window
Reaching its tendrils into the room
A new day awaits
New life new hope
Warmth vitality like a new lover
Ready to sweep away the fears
The dark corners
A sense of new beginning
Storing not hiding the past

What awaits us?
We will see just enough
To draw us on
First light

----
Simon

and what happened to make it memorable

2006-02-13T22:42:00.000Z

I spotted these crocuses on the edge of the patch of grass in front of my house. I decided to take some photos using my tripod at its lowest position. As I was taking the shots, the local council recycling truck came by; one of the workmen walked over and asked if I'd spotted a rare flower. I said, no, just a really pretty one. He looked interested, so we chatted for a moment. I then went inside and pulled out a couple of prints I'd produced a day or so ago and showed them to this workman; he then told me he's a photographer, too, with a nice SLR camera - and he's looking to buy a digital version when he can afford it.

What a wonderful interlude with someone I've never met! And then I shared the story - and the photos - with my neighbour when he stopped by later.

All because of some lovely little flowers and the fact that I noticed them!

Simon

here it is

2006-02-13T22:36:00.000Z

a new season on its way

2006-02-13T14:45:00.000Z

Here's what opened its eyes this morning.

http://www.facilitator.demon.co.uk/new%20season/index.html

so many choices

2006-01-31T12:58:00.000Z

I'm reminded of the story of the man who gets caught in a flood and turns away rescue repeatedly, saying "God will save me".

In the last few hours I've had choices. There are things I want; finding them is proving difficult. Or so I thought. And then I noticed that doors are opening - just a crack, a glimpse now and then. So often I react by wanting more - more certainty, more information - and less - less risk, less exposure. The result? I miss out on the dangerous chances - the half-opened doors. What makes that happen that way? Is it fear; and if so, is it the fear that Marianne Williamson wrote of so clearly and vividly?

Who knows? I just know the level of frustration rises when the half-chance slips away.

Part of me wants more certainty; part wants to have choices stay open so that I can wander in and out. But would I want to be with someone who acted like that?

Simon

thoughts in the night (fragments)

2006-01-31T12:53:00.000Z

The blind leap
Faith strong
Or eternal wait

----

Who pays the cautious?

Who's to say which side
has the greener grass

----

How often must I choose
With so little to go on
How sure must I be
Before I start the dance
I choose, I live
I wait, I shrink a little
And confusion grows

Mould or movement
Sounds easy
So many doors to open
No map here lies
Just dust
Decay

----

Simon

the macro world

2006-01-25T23:34:00.000Z

Or should it be, the micro world? In the world of photography, the word macro has been adopted to apply to the idea that you can take a photo of something small and make a big image of it. Lots of people do it. You can find images - often in stunning colour and detail - of flowers, insects, all kinds of stuff that you'd normally just walk by.

Years ago, I bought a camera lens that had the word macro on it; I believed that that was it. I took photos that were close-ups of things - usually flowers or leaves. Then, just recently, I found a website with lots of stunning shots of really small things - and I realised that my so-called macro facility on my lens couldn't produce anything like that. So I turned to that wonderful source of so much information - the web - and found out how they do that - those wonderful shots. I found that you can pay huge sums of money for very fancy bits of kit. I also found you can do it on the cheap. And then I found the world of extension tubes; I picked up a set this week for very little money. At first sight, they seemed impossible to use. But I stuck with it for a few hours more - and came up with an image of rare beauty. I'll share it very soon - here's a thumbnail.

What you see here is about the actual size of the object; now imagine it blown up to be the size of your screen. Now imagine that you can sit, bathed in the light from the screen alone, and maybe you will see the light in a new way. I printed this out on a sheet with the image 8 by 10 (inches) - and then realised that I was looking at a print that was eight times the size of the original object! Wow!

So, now I have yet another dimension of this world to explore - not just words, music, photos of nature, but now also photos of the smallest, slightest glimpse - the world within a world.

The journey continues.

Simon

the speeding mind

2006-01-25T23:26:00.000Z

Ever had that moment when your mind is spinning faster than your body can cope with? It seems to happen to me a lot. A while ago, someone said she had the impression of me as this very active brain dragging along an unwilling body. And that felt very true. I suppose that's why I get frustrated a lot; I have ideas that I would love to have take root in reality. Things I'd love to make happen - now, no delay. And, of course, it doesn't happen.

The other day I was exploring the variety of poetry websites where you can log on and post whatever you like. I needed to choose a username, and this particular website said "choose something different, something unusual, something creative". That stopped me - but only for a moment, because what came along was the name "the speeding mind". Now, that really appealed to me; it seemed to sum up so much of where I'm coming from. So that's the name I chose.

I don't know where it's going to lead, but I feel it's a part of me now.

This has been a Speeding Mind Production.

Simon

maybe

2006-01-17T14:10:00.000Z

Maybe we have
Doubts
So we may have belief
Rain
So we may see the sun
Fear
So we may feel courage
Pain
So we may feel healing
Loss
So we may feel love
Adversity
So we may have joy
Hunger
So we may rejoice the harvest

Simon

do be do be do

2006-01-17T12:35:00.000Z

How hard is it just to be
After a lifetime of doing
How hard is it just to sit
With hands and brain idle

How can we be in this moment
With itchy feet urging us on
How to capture the sunlight
On its fleeting glance across our lives

What reward is there to sit
As if a cat dozes on your lap
Or a baby close to dreams
Asking only for your peace

To see the morning mist
The glisten of frosty leaf
A blade of grass
Sprinkled with dew

We live as if our deeds
Are the only way to immortality
So that our hearts feel lost
In a tossing sea

What if we take a breath
And see the beauty around
Listen with the heart
And let the mind drift free

Will that fill our lives
Quiet the unstill mind
Mark our place in time
Or just let be

Simon

thoughts on the ideal CV

2006-01-06T17:02:00.000Z

too little or too much
short and punchy
or chapter and verse
which should it be

Simon

dreamtime jottings

2006-01-06T16:59:00.000Z

dreamers live on
in fantasy full
no vale of tears
no sharps or flats

Simon

is the poet a commentator?

2005-12-14T17:08:00.000Z

What am I to say when the world turns black
Am I to counterpoint the flashes
Light up my words
Even as the night sky flares

Am I to trot out my wit
At each turn of fate
What matters
If I just sit and watch

Are we always to turn to another
To find out what to think
How to feel

Were we not all born
With senses connected
Alive

Do we not smoulder
Ready to burn with our passion

technology or light

2005-12-14T17:04:00.000Z

I have let technology rule
Answered the siren calls of the web
Strolled through virtual markets
Picked at exotic fare

I have seen many sights
And yet passed more unseeing
Until now

Now that the light is my leader
Shining through mists
Sparkling on quiet water
And along forest paths

Recorded the twists of light
Captured the very sunbeams
Shared the frosty morn
With the unknown rider

Those who see nature
Are blessed indeed
Those who answer its call
Shall live another life

Beyond the flickering screen
And the fickle mouse
Beyond ink and paper
Now

and so it continues

2005-12-13T22:35:00.000Z

Well, it's Tuesday evening. So, what happened today? I woke at 03.45 this morning; I chose not to find out why. Except for one thing - my dream up to that moment was about standing up and doing something - now! And the words of a Leslie Bricusse song I discovered a few days ago came into my mind - the title? "This is the Moment".

I slept on, and woke after first light - but didn't dare look out. But when I did - no smoke! Hurray! Plenty of cloud, though. And my mood didn't lighten much when I caught the morning press conference on TV at which the local health officer said "Watford, beware! The smoke is coming your way today". Wonderful.

But instead we got sunshine - until midday when I caught sight of a cloud that looked darker and more smoke like. A few minutes later - more sunshine. What's going on? After lunch I went out food shopping and found the answer. The fire was by then much reduced - only 3 storage tanks instead of the 20 ablaze Sunday morning. The plume was much smaller and was being drawn by the gentle northerly breeze in our general direction - but even as I watched I could see breakaway puffs that would go to the right and then to the left of my house. And then the breeze would drop away completely, to pick up a whisper later.

Later, I went to see a neighbour and his wife; both are senior citizens and are in one of the age groups the health officers had advised to stay indoors. They had noticed the same as me - clouds going first one side and then the other. And we found that each had heard the thunder early on Sunday - and we agreed it had seemed to be much earlier than the explosion. Who knows what it was?

But one thing seems clear - all over the area people are reporting that their loft hatch covers popped open when the first blast happened - even at a distance of 10 or 15 miles. Wow.

Now it's after 10pm. All the tank fires are out; some flames still burn - apparently it's spillages and valves burning. Enough for a friend to see flames from the motorway in the dark as she drove by. Enough!

This evening I went to a meeting I'd have missed if my class hadn't been cancelled. And am I glad I went! It was a small group of fellow graduates of the Life Talent Programme getting together with our tutor to hear how he's improving the course for the new intake. And we got to brainstorm some of the ideas - and built up some of the creative energy the course was so good at generating. And I got to show off some of my new prints - the photos on A4 - some one to a page; some 2 or 3 to a page. The great compositions and colours drew much praise - hurray!

And I got a business idea - to put some onto the kind of websites where people can order copies - and I get some of the money. Nice. Balanced perhaps by one of the group chiding me for not publishing a book of my poems - she'd been planning to buy several copies and give them out as Xmas presents to her friends! If only I'd known.

But seriously, it is my dream to publish poems and photos together. I've had the idea of making it an online shopping experience in which buyers can select which poems and which photos they want in their book. I don't know yet how to make that happen.

And I'd love to open up the tap and let the creative voice write more poetry - it's been very quiet recently.

Simon

a close call

2005-12-12T22:02:00.000Z

In the early hours of Sunday morning - before dawn - I had the vague sensation of waking up and hearing a rumble of thunder. That surprised me, as the weather forecast the night before hadn't mentioned that possibility. But I turned over and went back to sleep. The next morning was foggy and overcast with a pale hint of sun. It wasn't until nearly midday that the sun came out and I chose to go and buy a couple of food items I needed - and to try to take some photos of the nearby woods. Just as I was leaving, I decided to check the news headlines - and it was only then that I heard about the fire at the fuel depot ten miles due north of here. And it still didn't occur to me that the thunder I'd heard might have been something else.

I went out into the sunshine, and found the local woods just clear of the fog that lingered in the valley. The air was chilly, so I wrapped up well - including a scarf over my nose and mouth. That didn't help the photography too much, as I had to keep stopping to demist my glasses. But what photos!! Fabulous shots of trees, shafts of sunlight through the mist, and then a horse and rider coming down the track. Perfection.

By then the chill was biting through my gloves and so I packed up, walked back to the car, and drove into town to buy the food I wanted. So it was past two o'clock when I finally sat down in front of the TV and watched the unfolding story on the news channels. On my way home, I'd spotted the plume of black smoke on the horizon rising from the depot - and trailing right across the eastern sky and out of sight. I was thanking my lucky stars for being in bright sunshine - no hint of smoke or smell.

And gradually the story sank in - a huge explosion, millions of gallons of fuel converting into black smoke, houses wrecked, windows and doors blown in. And all of this just ten miles to the north.

But still it didn't bite. Until, just before bedtime, the weather forecast giving me the one piece I didn't want - the wind was going to rise from a barely perceptible westerly whisper to a stronger northeasterly overnight. Which meant that black plume was going to head our way.
As I went to bed, the sky was clear; stars sparkling - but for how long?

I woke at 5 this morning; apprehensive about what I'd find. I looked outside; overcast. I checked the TV; the fire still burning fiercely. But no hint of smoke here.

I woke again at 8.15. This time - daylight; bright sun; blue sky; not a hint of smoke. The TV news showed the plume - a narrow stream this time rather than the huge blanket of the previous day - and out of sight to the west of us.

All the schools in our area have been closed; and tomorrow (Tuesday) even more will be closed. That meant I didn't work this morning - several of my students had to stay home to look after their school age children. So I haven't been outside for more than a few moments. Did I imagine the wisp of smoke in my nostrils?

My class tomorrow evening has already been cancelled; the forecast is that the wind will still be from the north; but will it swing from the northeast (which means clear skies here) to the north (which means who knows what?)? I suppose I'll know tomorrow.

The firemen hope to extinguish the flames overnight; but they admit that they are in unknown territory. They put out some fires today, but then had to retreat when one tank ruptured.

So, what will this bring?

Some members of our chorus live in the midst of the damage zone; I've not yet heard how they are getting on. That's what happens when you have a fuel depot on the edge of a town and beside a major highway.

What a Christmas present!

Simon

editing

2005-11-28T14:19:00.000Z

I'm noticing just how much I'm editing what I write. I just looked at my blogger posts and found that the two I've written most recently are still sitting in the draft box. They probably won't get published because they feel like they have crossed the boundary between public blog and private journal. And yet there's a voice inside that says "maybe these are exactly the things that people want to read". The trouble is that there's another voice that says "lots of blogs are so self-centred that they become boring after a while".

So, how much is that kind of self-editing going on in the rest of my life? Probably lots - deciding what I can say with groups of people. And yet I sometimes want to say "hang the politeness or the political correctness, just say it".

So, here's an edited highlight of what's in the drafts - no, I'm not ready to publish all!

First, do the highway engineers who put in speed bumps ever try driving over them when they are in pain? I'm sure they don't, or they wouldn't use them so much.

Second, what makes me feel woozy and stiff so much? Is it encroaching age or dietary neglect? And can I really justify going to see a doctor for what may be just part of the human condition?

Simon

autumn leaves

2005-11-10T20:27:00.000Z

moments of doubt and pain

2005-11-10T20:10:00.000Z

How often do we stumble across those moments when we really don't know what's going to happen next? When rationality and basic fears come face to face like rival gangs in a dark alley.
Yesterday, November 9th, I felt that there was a cold finger nudging me. When I thought about it, I realised it was the anniversary of my mother's death. She died unexpectedly in 1991, 2 days before her 78th birthday. She had suddenly realised she was in the same situation as her mother many years before - lying in hospital at the same age and with the same problem - a broken hip. And the same thing happened - pneumonia came and took them both away.

Her passing really shook me; it was the start of a long period of darkness and uncertainty for me. The results - a much smaller family and a long path of personal change.

And here I am, sitting at home in front of a screen, trying to distract myself from the feeling of illness that came over me 2 or 3 hours ago. I don't know what it was; I just know I felt really ill.

And I remembered a story my Maths Lecturer told me at university - and I just googled the answer, because I hadn't remembered the name of the person at the heart of the story. He was Evariste Galois. He was young, brilliant, and doomed. He was lying awake the night before a duel - and he knew deep down that he stood little chance in the duel. So he spent the night feverishly writing down all the mathematical theories that had been buzzing around his head, so that they would not be lost to the world if he died the next morning.

Now if you or I spent the whole night awake, writing, before a big event - would we be at our best? He wasn't, and he didn't survive the duel.

So maybe that's why I sometimes feel this feverish urge to write and to publish before it's too late. That's why I'm writing now.

Less than an hour ago, I chose to be alone this evening. I was feeling strangely ill, and yet I know my strength wasn't there for me to travel to chorus rehearsal tonight. A pity, because I'd actually put in the extra time this afternoon, rehearsing! Damn.

And as I write, the sickness I felt at 5.15 and for the next 2 hours seems to have receded. (I hope) Is this calmness I feel? Or the calm before another storm? Yesterday was chilly, clear, bright and definitely felt like winter is close; and yet today has been a little warmer. That strange variability in our temperate weather.

Yesterday I saw those fabulous fall colours I was longing for. I went for a walk along yet another stretch of the canal I've visited so much these last few weeks. And as I walked along, I felt the chill in the air - and realised I couldn't spend a winter afloat. I've often wondered about having a narrowboat; in truth I've not been on one for years. I tried to push closed a gate that a careless boater had left open - and felt the danger of straining my back! (For those who don't realise, the gate I'm talking of is a giant lock gate, with a big wooden beam to help get the momentum to open and close it.) I saw this big marina full of boats; and felt the desire to be inside a house with central heating! And then the leaves at last - incredible reds and oranges and greens - all within a few feet of each other. And I printed out the best of the shots on A4 size - wow!

So, let's remember those Galois moments; those moments when we feel the hand of fate on our shoulder and we shudder with doubt.

Simon

autumn thoughts

2005-11-02T10:48:00.000Z

So, it's November. Rain has returned; light is at a premium again.

Yesterday I rediscovered the sheer pleasure of watching nature in all its forms. I knew it was going to be sunny and reasonably warm; perhaps the last such day for a while. So I took my new camera and some lenses and walked along the Grand Union Canal again. This time I started where I'd left off the previous sunny day. What did I see? Swans exercising their right to own the canal; a mallard stretching and displaying to prove he's boss (when the swans aren't around); a field of grasses waving in the wind like some forgotten harvest; sunlight on water; and people going about their business - in this case the three men who run a small boatyard welding and pumping out water and whatever it takes to renovate a canal boat. And a wooden barn-like building; perhaps a meeting place, but more likely a home with fine oak beams and doors onto the terrace from every bedroom - so serene and peaceful in the November sun with the shimmering water of the canal at the bottom of the garden.
And I gave thanks that fortune has allowed me the time to walk along and take photos and be at ease.
I met a fellow photographer - also noticing the lack of brown leaves on the trees and the certainty that rain and wind will change the landscape before we get those prized photos of "fall" colours. Why is it that so many of our trees are still green? Some - like the maples outside my front door - have been turning colour and shedding leaves for the past 3 weeks - while others have held their green.
What I noticed is the difference in the mood of the conversations along the canal - when I compare it with the streets in the nearby towns. The lone traveller working his boat up the locks; the small group sitting watching a film crew in a canalside farm; the lone photographer; the rambler gently asking for directions. All these people notice the light, the warmth, the passing of seasons rather than seconds.
And maybe that's part of our legacy - the canals have long since lost their trading and transport roles, but they serve as a thread through our changing countryside. Just as the parks in London are seen as the lungs of the city; so the canals are havens of peace and timelessness and a return to nature. And you can still travel from London to Liverpool or Leeds on them; just allow the time; the window to open on our land; and see the towns as clumps of buildings just as there are clumps of trees.

So, now I have a legacy of a different kind; some 500 photos I've taken in the last month, thanks to the freedom of a digital camera. Some are great and I'll find ways of publishing them; some are not and they serve as lessons. In the last few days I've written short poems again; I was wondering if I'd lost touch with the muse - but I'm glad to say she's still here.

Simon

time passes

2005-10-19T22:55:00.000+01:00

It's been more than two weeks since I wrote anything in this blog.
Why's that? I just didn't feel like it, I suppose. It's autumn here at last - after a summer that spluttered and fizzed and then came back with warm shirt-sleeve weather in October. Today it's April showers with the added ingredient of dead leaves.
I suppose what I notice is that the last two weeks have been full of stuff - teaching the two classes a week, with a bagful of admin hindrances; rediscovering what fun it is to take a great photo; capturing the moment over and over again. I've just splashed out and bought myself a better camera - it's digital and I have a whole new vocabulary to learn. Plus I've discovered another TLA - "LBA" - apparently it stands for Lens Buying Addiction (or something like that).
And I discovered how addictive ebay can be; that rush when an auction is about to end - with the doubt "is this really something I want to pay real money for?" Several times in the last week I've ended up with an intact bank balance but a hole somewhere where that must-have item would have been.
And then the shock of finding the same thing cheaper elsewhere - and the reassurance when the ebay snipers jump in and pay even more than I did (or would have done)!
It's like they used to say in the old Soviet Union - if you see a queue, join it - even if you have no idea what it's for. So, is this the Union of Soviet Ebay Republics? or the United States of Ebay? or the Ebay Union?
Then, to cap it all, my old PC that I still keep for backups started its favourite trick of stopping just when I needed it. Which led to my PC guru advising me on yet another chase round for something to buy to fix it.
And the net result? A focus on now - on technology - and no creative writing. I just hope it won't last this way.
So, at least, here's some writing. And I have put a couple of photos on the website.
http://www.facilitator.demon.co.uk

Simon

thoughts from the chair

2005-10-02T05:00:00.000+01:00

Last night I went to the first dinner of our barbershop club - actually it was their 30th dinner, but I'd not been before. The reason I went this time is that I've just taken over as chairman. I used to think that people only became chairmen of clubs after years of service or because they were bringing some special skills to the party. I now realise it can be because everyone else who is qualified has already had their turn and the committee wants new people around. Or it can be because no-one else wants to do it.

Yes, I've chaired meetings before; I've been a club chairman before - the first time I was 17 and it was our church youth club. I remember that my best friend was also standing for election as chairman, and he somehow got the idea that candidates were not supposed to vote for themselves. I don't remember the voting, but I think I'd still have won even if he'd voted for himself.

I noticed just how long some of our members have been part of the barbershop movement; and how much it means to them. I suppose that any hobby can be like that. These blokes really enjoy getting together and singing. But it's the easy laughter that I noticed most last night.

Some of our members have been with other choruses and have won medals at national level; at least one has been a quartet medallist. Some have been national chairman. Some have participated in the national organisation in other ways. So this small club has an impact greater than its size would suggest. And today we have a concert to give - at a village harvest festival. Let's hope we remember our parts well enough and don't over-sing.

But the question that's really hanging in my mind is this - what does the club really want from its chairman? Is it a steady hand at the wheel? Is it a source of inspiration - or is it the impression of approval for a course of action? Maybe I'll find out. Maybe I'll ask. Or maybe I'll just be me and see what comes up.

Simon

trust

2005-10-01T16:09:00.000+01:00

Trust is a five letter word. Lack is a four letter word. And it seems to me that it's the lack of trust that rules so much of what happens in the world.
If I think of the least popular occupations - estate agents, insurance salesmen, used car dealers, itinerant roofers, emergency locksmiths - and there are probably many more - it often seems to come down to a lack of trust. We tend to think "they're just in it for the money; they don't care about us". And yet these are often the people we call on when we are stuck or when we want something for which trust is an important component.

tinkering

2005-09-27T00:47:00.000+01:00

One of the problems of being a perfectionist - especially a lazy one - is knowing when to stop. And then actually doing it.

When I started writing poetry - still less than a year ago - I had to face the conflict between the creative voice that just wanted to say what it felt, and the perfectionist voice that wanted to correct things and move things around and - well, you know. It's that same part that is forever spotting spelling mistakes while the creative voice is trying to get a whole thought out and on paper (or screen). I pretty soon learned to just shut up and type whatever the creative voice said. It seemed like an interference not to. In fact it seemed to be a lack of respect to make any comment DURING the writing process. And that's maybe how what I do differs from songwriting. I don't care about rhymes or line length - unless that's what the creative voice wants to use as its medium.

The other day I found a feature by which I could change the time zone that blogger uses - a sad mistake, as it pushed posts off into different days and undid my attempts to put the correct time on things. Why would I want it to be right anyway? Who really cares if I write at midday or midnight? And so the tinkerer got busy. I've just noticed that one of my recent posts has completely lost the date on it! And part of me really cares about that! The creative voice - or is it the lazy voice? - is just saying - wait, listen, read the words and notice...

And still the perfectionist wants to be heard - to be recognised - to be acknowledged.

Simon