...maybe it shouldn't surprise

Today I met up with a colleague who'd called me a few times but hadn't been able to meet me until today. Over the phone I'd had trouble understanding why she acted in a very particular way. Then, today, she explained. She has some challenges - physical and medical - and they affect her ability to do some things. But they clearly don't affect her mental powers at all; in fact, I rather think they enhance them.

She explained with a smile: "if I find something that challenges me, I sit and find a way of dealing with it". And that's why she seemed particular - she knows from her experience that some things just don't work for her - and that the way she asks for something is the way she knows she can be effective.

And what really impressed me was her strength and determination. I really like and admire that. The clarity of her vision is an inspiration.

just a reminder

that I have a website that I haven't updated for ages...with poems and photos on it. One day I'll revamp it. I had a chat with a colleague back last summer about ways of making it fancy...and then haven't had the time and energy to do it (yet).

The address? www.facilitator.demon.co.uk

winter morning blues

early morning chill
the commuter resists
why move now
more time in bed
or cuddled by the fire
with a good book

because the money's out there
somewhere

not nestled here beside me

things keep on changing

Yes, I know it's been said before.

I'm working with an organisation that's going through massive change; people are feeling battered and bruised and not valued at all. And this is in an organisation that claims to be making things better for people. What hope do we have away from the caring professions?

Bankers are proving their worth (about 50p, devalued as the pound sinks against all known currencies). Investment seems even more of a mug's game. And savings are getting a pittance in interest.

Even the fantasy world I've used as a sideshow is going through change as its owners realise they didn't get the offerings right. Yes, it's a game - a virtual environment, but reality intervenes everywhere. After getting used to being creative on a bigger scale, I find myself having to do it on the head of a needle again.

What fun.

now it's later

When I wrote those things last night I meant them. It felt good to have said them. I slept afterwards - and that felt even better. On the way to work I met my niece - a chance in a million - and somehow, as the day went on, I felt better. Not the best, but better. It's still not ideal and there's a way to go - but no burning bridges (yet).
Small things went right today. More of the same would be good tomorrow....
Let's see how the week pans out. Still tough stuff lurking.

OK....

I just said it. I really felt it. I wrote it in my journal and then I wrote it here.

There are times when movies say it so well.
Is this my "hill of beans" as Rick said in Casablanca?

We have such power and yet we use it so rarely.

I have to shift the load. Up the stakes. State my case.

Now. Today.

I'm....

exhausted
sick
tired

unwilling to go on like this

There.
I said it.
You read it.

So.
Now what?

I have to change
or die like this

How often have I said this?
How often have I actually done what I need to?

Did I really spend months on courses
To spend my life like this?

Did I really dream big
To huddle like this?
To get sick like this

Am I really going to stick with it?

I knew last week
What I had to do
And maybe that's why my body rebelled
last Friday morning

I knew then this week was tougher
Longer
Harder
Than I was prepared to do

So, why did I let myself
Put myself in the firing line

Duty
Honour
Obligation
Not wanting to let people down

And right now
Even though I can see the truth
Why do I still falter
before the only step that makes sense?

Because I gave my word I'd be there for them
Those demanding voices

Because I know their pain
Their hurt
Their fears

But we are the SAME
We're drawn together because...
We're human
We care

These people I work with
They are from the caring side of life
And they feel like they're being treated like shit

So do I
At times